MYSPACE BULLETINS -- INSPIRATION STRIKES, LIKE A LITTLE GREBE UPON A MEALWORM

My friend Matt posted the following bulletin on MySpace:

Subj: does your name fit you ( wow this was ego feeding)

M: Very good kisser
A: Easy to fall in love with
T: Amazing kisser
T: Amazing kisser
H: Amazing
E: Very very easy to fall in love with
W: Very broad minded

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A: Easy to fall in love with
B: Dumb and funny at the same time
C: Great kisser
D: Can kick your butt
E: Very very easy to fall in love with
F: Loves it
G: Doesn't give a shit
H: Amazing
I: Has one of the best personalities ever
J: Hot
K: Crazy
L: Adorable
M: Very good kisser
N: Has a smile​ to die for
O: Very very hot
P: Popular with all sorts of people
Q: An animal lover
R: Perfect person to date
S: Adorable
T: Amazing kisser
U: Rebellious
V: Not judgemental
W: Very broad minded
X: Never let people tell you what to do
Y: Awesome kisser
Z: Loved by everyone

REPOST WITH
Does your name fit you?

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So you see, it's basically the same idea as numerology. Kind of a sexy alphabetology. But, well-intentioned as it is, it's like those personality tests that float around, the Muppet personality test, and so on. You feel like you're being complimented to death. Like what Douglas Adams said about New Zealand niceness; it's not only disarming, it's decapitating as well.

My frightfully witty response was as follows:

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It depresses the hell out of me. Oh, well, who gives a shit?

G: Doesn't give a shit
O: Very very hot
W: Very broad minded
A: Easy to fall in love with
N: Has a smile​ to die for

I'm getting there on the G, but all the others, not so much. It's like horoscopes. "I'd sure like that to be true."

How about these?

A: Lied about your height to get into the RAF.
B: You routinely wrap hamsters in electrical tape.
C: 40 POUND BOX OF RAPE -- You know you want to open it.
D: Make noises like a squirrel when you get really excited.
E: It is delicious cake and you must eat it.
F: A warm glass of Beaujolais and a fish finger, please.
G: I'd also like you to punch me in the kidneys.
H: You have never kissed the editor of the Radio Times.
I: You're fit as a fiddle and ready for love; you could jump over the moon up above.
J: You've got a dick like a monster, even if you're a girl. Especially if you're a girl.
K: Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?
L: Your right rear wheel is on fire.
M: You left a stain on my teddy bear.
N: It's an ill wind that blows nobody real good.
O: A Canada moose pounded your hole last night.
P: Your pubic hairs give off a phosphorescent glow.
Q: You once ate a slice of French toast with Jesus's face on it.
R: Your God is a jealous God; don't look behind you.
S: Class, Jesus approves of hot lesbian sex.
T: Your name is a killing word.
U: You are horned like the great god Pan.
V: You like cuddling and long walks on the beach.
W: Your kundalini is rising, rising, like a big-ass wave.
X: Your hot, slick nether regions need some teddy-bear love.
Y: The pterodactyl was a flyin' fool, just a wing-flappin' daddy of the old school.
Z: And we are here as on the darkling plain, where ignorant armies clash by night.

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My name turns out like this:

G: I'd also like you to punch me in the kidneys.
O: A Canada moose pounded your hole last night.
W: Your kundalini is rising, rising, like a big-ass wave.
A: Lied about your height to get into the RAF.
N: It's an ill wind that blows nobody real good.

Two big flaws I see right away: 1) Any name that begins with G, or any instance in which G is used without F preceding it (Fgeorge? Fgeraldine?) is going to be a bit nonsensical. Or, on second thought, glancing over the list as a whole, nonsensicality is not a problem here, in much the same way that water is not a problem for fish. Looking back on it, that's sort of what I had in mind. 2) A bit more serious: while some assigned meanings may be more or less to a person's taste, very few people are going to want anything to do with the moose. If we want this thing to catch on like wildfire, perhaps it should be changed. Oh, but then George Bush's name would turn out differently from this:

G: I'd also like you to punch me in the kidneys.
E: It is delicious cake and you must eat it.
O: A Canada moose pounded your hole last night.
R: Your God is a jealous God; don't look behind you.
G: I'd also like you to punch me in the kidneys.
E: It is delicious cake and you must eat it.

That definitely has a je ne sais quoi about it, especially the bit about God. My only real problem with it is that George Carlin's name turns out the same way. But then, that's a problem numerology itself has had for centuries.

I liked the way my friend Will's name turned out:

W: Your kundalini is rising, rising, like a big-ass wave.
I: You're fit as a fiddle and ready for love; you could jump over the moon up above.
L: Your right rear wheel is on fire.
L: Your right rear wheel is on fire.

That fits him better than you'd guess, especially the slightly worrying repetition of the last two lines.

But still, everybody has the same sort of names, that's the problem. There are lots of Wills out there, and it doesn't fit all of them. And the whole exercise is a bit random for my taste. Hm. Perhaps if one were to invent different lists for different sexes, different combinations of hair and eye color? The more specific we are, the closer we can get to turning this into a Science, like astrology, and then we'd be making serious money. Definitely something to think about.